33 Verses | A Woman on the Brink

On again. Off again.

carolineonthebrink — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 16:22:33 +0000

I’ll have to admit, I am quite miffed at myself for not keep up with writing about this process more. It has been almost four months since my last post and I don’t even know how to begin to go back to document the process over those months. Here is an attempt…

Thesis craziness. Relationship craziness. Overall life craziness.

And there you have it. Oh yes, and I did become a Master of Graphic Design somewhere in the middle of all that, barely.

I wish I had writen more for many reason bit mostly because it may have made the vicious cycle I find myself on time and time again with Z more clear to me. I could have looked back over the post and thought, “my-oh-my, here I am AGAIN.” Who knows, I may not have discovered it until after I had already penned a post, then looked back to see I had writen the same story just a month before, maybe even titled it the same. Here is how the titles may have gone over the past four months…

On again.
Off again.
Love again.
Gone again.
He’s back for real this time.
He’s back to her.
Working on things.
Things got to tough.
Ect.

Each time he came back I really thought I sensed a geniune repentance in him. But the tell-tale sign was that there were no significant actions to follow the repentance. He just wanted things to effortlessly go back to the way things were with us.

So here I stand today, about feedup with this cycle, trying to build up the strength to move forward… in a new direction.

And hopefully I will write more this time.

Let’s begin, shall we?

carolineonthebrink — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 05:37:14 +0000

I am unsure if it is God or just my sentimentality that is getting to me right now after just watching the movie The Holiday but I feel like it is the time to move on. I know that God can do anything in my life, our marriage and Z’s life but He gives us the ability to choose. Today I texted Z, my husband, saying “I love you so much.” It is so true, but I got nothing in return. Z is making his choice and no matter how weak, faithless and wrong I may believe it to be there is nothing that I can do to change it. I have to take a step forward in faith in a new direction. I have to begin healing. And I have to begin the process of forgiving. Today is that day where it all begins.

All down hill from there.

carolineonthebrink — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 22:52:07 +0000

Z called today to inform me that he would not be attending another counseling session with me. He had made his own and was going to focus on himself right now. I think that is a good idea, I say. But for some reason he felt the need to press further.

“I have no desire to work on restoring our relationship right now.” – Z

“Does this mean you are going back to the other relationship?” – Me

“No I am not. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.” – Z

Ouch.

The conversation was all down hill from there.

What was in my heart… junk and all.

carolineonthebrink — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 22:39:28 +0000

After a whirl wind of an experience over the past few days, dealing with Z’s anger towards me and God, having to sit there and watch him all torn up inside over another woman, I am, for lack of a more expressive word, spent. I finally realized that this was not healthy for me and I had to separate myself from this process Z was going through. His torment was between him and God, but for some reason he felt like he had to pull me in the middle of it creating a whole new batch of wounds that would have to be healed in the process. I put my foot down, told him that if he is not ready or able to open his eyes to the lies that he has so willingly believed and call the past five months for what they were turn around and whole heartedly, genuinely repent from his sin then I couldn’t allow him to walk back through the door or back into this marriage again. There was a whole host of more expressive words and colorful descriptions of exactly the lies that he has been tempted by, but I am unsure it would be appropriate for public eyes. If only I had a recording. It would be quite a thing to look back on. The moment when I opened up and said exactly what was in my heart… all of it… junk and all. I felt odd afterwards… like I could breath for the first time in a long time.

Z actually called a few hours later and thanked me. Something about me expressing some emotion seemed to resonate with him, in a good way.

Where’s the miracle?

carolineonthebrink — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:10:08 +0000

I still don’t love Z for who he is which makes it impossible to respect him. I love the man I see him capable of becoming, a man who loves God and desires in his heart the will of God to be lived out in his life. And everyday he is not that man I am disappointed. This is the same problem we had before. We can’t live life like this. And I am confused as to what to say or do next.

I prayed for God to step in and work a miracle. Maybe the miracle was giving me the opportunity to walk away.

Maybe it is not too late.

Seriously!?!

carolineonthebrink — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 04:03:36 +0000

I met with my counselor today with Z and long story short (because it has been a long, exhausting day) he is coming back. He broke things off with the other woman, is moving out of her house and going to make an attempt at working on our relationship. But the funny thing is that he is not really happy about it. He is actually a bit angry at God that he placed those convictions on his heart that forced him to walk away from what he believes was a great relationship with the other woman (despite the fact that he was still married) and back into a horrible one with me. Seriously!?! This is not how I imagined this happening… at. all. I guess it makes me a little miffed at God too. What is God thinking?

As I was preparing for the counseling session I went back through all my writings since the beginning to really get a handle on “how this makes me feel.” There was one day, in the very beginning of things where I write about a dream I had. It says that I had a dream that Z came back to me and nothing had changed about him. He was still the same Z, with no stronger relationship with God, still pursuing the things of the world but he was back. And then I wrote, “it hurt when I woke up.”

Waking up from that reality seems to hurt so much more today.

Dear God, what do I do now?

And how does that make you feel?

carolineonthebrink — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 14:33:31 +0000

It seems like at least once if not multiple times in every appointment with my counselor she asks, “and how does that make you feel?” I always thought that was just a tactic in professional counseling to get the patient to talk or to get them to sort out their own problems. But what I realized today in my counseling session is that I had not really been addressing how I truly, honest to goodness felt. I mean, I have lost composure of myself from time to time in the comfort of my own home or on the phone with my mom, but I always felt it was important to keep the illusion of composure up while in public. It still always did bother me when people would comment praisingly on my composure and my unwaivering faith in God because deep down I felt like I was somehow misleading them. It was all some charade, a lie. I say all the things I think I should say because I want to believe those things. I want to have faith that God can work a miracle and patience to wait for him. I want to believe with all my heart that this marriage is going to work even if I don’t know how. But deep down I am still so unsure and quite honestly scared out of my mind. It seems like Z may be turning around and suddenly I am faced with the reality of the whole situation and the suppressed, frightening emotions of how this all has made me feel.

Prayers for the day.

carolineonthebrink — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 04:07:42 +0000

As for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand. — Psalm 31:14–15

I am really, really good at making a schedule. There is something about fitting everything into little boxes charted out throughout months, weeks, days and hours that is so delightful. I love to just sit and look at my iCalender weekly schedule with all the task boxes color coded and butted up against one another. And then it comes time to implement the plan and everything falls apart when I get up an hour late, I forgot about travel times to and from school, or I forgot that life happens sometimes. Then it is back to rearranging all of the perfectly formed task boxes back into a new plan (this time too, I didn’t account for.) You see, I am really good at making a plan, a perfectly beautiful plan at that, but that plan doesn’t always work out.

I have found myself “chanting” Psalms 31:14-15 over and over to myself throughout life. Placing my trust in God is one thing, but waiting on his timing is a whole other thing. I like to have a plan. But it makes it a bit easier when I remember to think back to all the times God has shown up in my life, not according to my own schedule but in His timing. I suppose I will have to tell those stories someday. In the meantime I sitting back placing my times in His hands and watching His plan unfold before my eyes in His own perfect timing. (And, of course, trying to leave more open spaces in my calendar.)

White as snow.

carolineonthebrink — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 18:37:35 +0000

It started snowing here in NC last night around 6:30 and hasn’t really stopped since. I watched as the flakes turned from dusting any exposed surface to eventually whiting the world out. Being from Florida snow always fascinates me and it is always welcomed (as long as I don’t have to actually function in it). The first time I saw snow I was in Oregon when we took a drive from Portland up to the Timberline Lodge on Mount Hood. I watched as the rain turned to small flakes that got progressively larger as we made our way up the mountain. As soon as the car came to a stop at the Lodge I was out the door, doing everything I had dreamed off when I would watch snow filled movies. I made a snow angel, threw a snow ball and of course took snow filled pictures with big white flakes blocking out our faces. Then we stepped through the door of the Timberline Lodge and I was naively surprised when everything on my jacket, shoes and hat turned to water. Snow was a new concept to me and I just hadn’t totally gotten it yet. Because of the way it surprises me, each encounter with it stands so clear in my mind. Today as I sit here in fascination I am reminded of all those other times, but always find myself thinking to that time on February 13, 2008 when pride, a prayer and a surprising encounter with snow brought me home…

I am fairly certain that I have been walking in the newness of light since I was a very little girl. I cannot ever remember not being saved. There seems to be no distinct moment in my mind where I can recall asking God to come into my heart, but I do remember my pre-school teacher leaning over our tiny table where we all were sitting in tiny chairs saying while holding up one finger, “You only have to ask Him once,” and I knew that my asking was done. But “fairly certain” was a little unsettling for me at times. Like when we all went around the room and said when we came to know Christ. Everyone else had a pin-pointed date and me… well, I relayed the previous story. I also am fairly certain that there were times in my life when the anxiety of this got the best of me and I prayed a feverishly quick and desperate prayer. but I can’t remember those dates either. As this anxiety would continue to creep up on me again and again I thought “what am absurdly weird anxiety to have.” And the only thing preventing it from stopping is pride…

It wasn’t until a car ride home, late on a cold February evening that I would finally let go of that pride. I was returning from a graduate school interview in Richmond, VA pondering my options and possibilities, praying that I would get into NC State, I knew that my life was about to change and the decision process was intensely grueling. About 30 minutes from home I decided to put in a CD from a church sermon I had missed. I don’t specifically remember the words of this sermon, but being as our church is all about being “fishers of men” our pastor always brings it back home to the one true point, salvation. I felt my anxiety swell from the confines of my car. As I got closer to home the roads became more and more familiar but my salvation story remained unclear.

Thats it! Dear God, you have brought me through so much. You protected me as a child. You blessed me with my family. You waited for me with open arms when I chose to walk in another direction. You accepted me back like the prodigal son (or daughter). You were my light when I couldn’t see and you carried me when I couldn’t walk. You are a friend. You are a father. You are my savior! Come into my heart, Dear God, and consume me with your spirit today. February 13th, 2008.

Although I kept my eyes on the road while driving I had entered into a state during my prayer that left me unaware of my surroundings. When I lifted my gaze from this trance – just two turns from my house – the street lights were illuminating falling flakes of pure white snow. And as I pulled into my driveway I knew the snow was for me. A reminder of my childhood in Sunday School on that dateless day while I sang…

What can wash away my sins?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

What can make me whole again?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Oh precious is the flow

that makes me white as snow

No other fount I know

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Just a brief update.

carolineonthebrink — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 17:54:12 +0000

Just an update on Z and I… Despite the fact that two weeks ago my speculations were confirmed that he has been with another woman (a co-worker) since we seperated, I ended up talking to him earlier this week and laid it all out. I said that I thought he was making a mistake and that I didn’t thinking getting a divorce was the solution for us, but rather actually stepping up and working through this thing with God no matter how hard or how scary that may be. He couldn’t understand why I would even want to work through this with him (and I told him I don’t really understand that either). But I do know that God can’t work a miracle if we don’t give him the chance. Never-the-less he jumped on the offer to go to my counselor with me this coming Thursday. I am unsure that this really means anything about our future (I am just taking this one day at a time), but I do know that he has a lot of questions that he is looking forward to at least asking in that session.